advice for child dealing with parents' failed marriage
.jpg "daisy's picture"){kind=avatar}
I've been confused and thinking about this for a long time now and I'm not quite sure what to do.
First of all, I am the only child and I have recently noticed that my parents' marriage has always been strained. When I was little I have always thought they were going to get a divorce, but then I realized that they won't because they depend on each other for companionship.
But, we live in a two-bedroom house, and when I go home, my mom has always slept in my bedroom, on the floor, and I'm at the age where I need my space. I'm in my 20s and I'm afraid to go home because of my parents' marriage because it really irritates me.
I absolutely don't know what to do because my parents relationship to me is not very open and I want to confront them, but I'm afraid of the consequences. Should I make them go see a counselor and then confront them? Because, I don't think I can hold this in any longer, and my mom depends on me for communication and she depends on me to relieve her anxiety and loneliness, I presume. And, its not a good feeling when she calls just to check up on me when I don't need any check up. And, I sound annoyed when she does and it breaks my heart. And so how do I tell her I need my own space without hurting her feelings because I know she depends on me so much because of my parents' failed marriage.
Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Just tell them.
There's a lot going on likely that you don't know - and probably don't want to - and they think they are protecting you. But you've become the adult here, against nature and against your will.
Your mom is probably what I call a married single mom. And single moms often develop a very close relationship with their children, and its easy to have the child become moms friend and confidant. In a family where the dad is still in the house and that wall of alienation is always there, mom has to relate to someone - and its you.
Just know that when you tell them how you feel, (don't just tell mom, tell dad too, that will give you some idea of why things are the way they are when the recriminations start to fly both ways) you have to be ready to deal with information that you didn't have before, and that you don't want. Remember it has nothing to do with you. And you don't have to sit still for it if you don't want. This conversation is about you and what you need from parents.
You might be doing them a favor. Finally they can make the break, mom can make a new life, and dad can be free to do whatever it is he does that has pushed mom out of their bedroom.
You cannot make them go to counseling. You can only make decisions for yourself. You cannot fix them.
And I have to tell you, checking up on an adult child is very normal. It's a habit I've had to break this year, as my oldest (23) got married and my youngest (now 18 and enrolled at the Coast Guard Academy. I communicate with him maybe once a week and have to trust that he is ok. Not easy.
Olivia has given a very good advice. I'd like to add that as a daughter, you can only support your parents on their decisions, but you cannot make it for them. But, you can be the catalyst that would make them decide what to do about the failed marriage. You can be an arbiter for them and force them to decide, what to do.